Maso?
Despite this incredibly strong sense of my own mortality that’s been plaguing me in the past couple of weeks, I went ahead and watched 2012 (just added to Starz on demand, so I figured I’d check it out). Recently I’ve been getting chills every time I hear or see the trees outside swaying, or heard creaking in the house. I’ve even been waking from my sleep at the slightest movement or noise- all in the sudden belief that somehow I was about to die. I’ve had a few moments like this in the past when jets went by overhead (or during the earthquake last year), but nothing this strong, and nothing that lasted longer than a few minutes.
It’s been nearly three weeks now.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that I’ve shut myself into the house or that I’m building a bunker in the backyard, in fact I’m finding more and more excuses to spend the majority of the day out of the house. It seems like the feeling of, for lack of a better phrase, ‘impending doom’, is something that only sticks with me when I’m in my bedroom, whether awake or sleeping. Before moving over to Anthony’s house, I’d only ever been here maybe two or three days at a time at the most, so I believe that it might have something to do with being sensitive to the vibrations through the floor. After a couple of months of living here, perhaps the feeling of being on the second floor of a house night after night has built up into something greater- like the feeling of always being at the edge of a cliff. That’s the only thing I can come up with, as I’ve grown no more or less aware of the fragility of this world in the time I’ve been here.
This planet will be hit by a meteor large enough to destroy it, that’s a 99.9% probability given the scope of the universe and a long enough timeline, the only question is ‘when’. I’ve always known that, and yet its only now that I find myself quickly scanning the horizon outside the window expecting to see that the sky has gone red or some such thing. Natural disasters, nukes, etc… There’s plenty to fear of course, but no more than yesterday or the day before, so a change in ‘fear levels’ makes no real sense. Meh.
Anyways, as I said initially, I just watched 2012, and I actually really liked the movie. The feeling of ‘impending doom’ hasn’t grown weaker or stronger as a result, though thinking about it now, this could’ve ended pretty badly if I were mistaken in the reason for this fear. Since I’m no more afraid now than I was before though, I’m more certain that this fear is a physiological response rather than a simple case of ‘going nuts’. If my sleeping schedule weren’t so chaotic I’d try sleeping downstairs for a change, but there’s always someone down there making noise during daylight hours.
I think I might go try and learn some sort of self-calming techniques.
[PERMALINK] - @1 year ago with 1 note(± )
